Category Archives: TV

“Where the Dead Go to Die” — First Impressions

Having been bitten by the horror bug once again, tonight I found myself in the mood for a scary story, and looked up one I heard about 2 years ago: Where the Dead Go to Die (2012). A horror anthology about children who are taken to Hell by a demon dog.

Having heard that Where the Dead Go is one of the most graphic, horrifying anything ever…

…my curiosity was piqued.

Turns out, my curiously needn’t have bothered. Where the Dead Go is awful in ways it isn’t trying to be.

For starters: The demon dog’s voice is nails-on-a-chalkboard annoying. Watching it tempt a little boy, all I could think of is Kindergarten Cop (1990):

One thing that makes demons creepy is that they tell you what you want to hear in a way you want to hear it.

What father wants to kill his daughter?

But this?

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I’d rather staple my ears shut than listen to this he-bitch for more than 5 seconds.

Second: Where the Dead Go is an eyesore.

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A YouTube comment put it well: “This is like ReBoot on acid.”

But ReBoot — being the first computer animated TV series — has an excuse for its (by today’s standards) poor animation.

Where the Dead Go, having been made in 2012, has no excuse.

This is how far animation had progressed… by 2008:

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WALL-E

If the creator of Where the Dead Go didn’t care enough about his work to make it look the best it could, than why should I care at all?

Finally: Nothing means anything.

If what I’ve read is true, the “horrifying” events in Where the Dead Go are just there for the sake of being there; there’s no deeper meaning to anything that I’m seeing.

When I read that what I’m seeing is just there for the sake of being there, I feel like I’m being trolled.

To go back to Evil Dead (2013): One aspect of that film that I like is that aspects of the story are left up to the viewer’s interpretation. The film isn’t just blood and gore for the sake of blood and gore.

In conclusion:

“Worthless” is the first word that comes to mind when I think of Where the Dead Go.

I could be playing Doom right now. But I just had to talk about Where the Dead Go

Thankfully, that’s a mistake I don’t have to live with.

I’m off to “Rip and tear, until it is done.”

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Stalker: A Short Story

First: Some music to read to:

Now:

“To be honest, your constant messages are starting to scare me.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just being honest. Isn’t honesty what women want? Well, in the interest of being honest: If you’re afraid I am, or are going to be, stalking you: I’m happy in my own little bubble. I haven’t driven more than 10 miles in 3 years, and you’re not worth breaking the habit.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“So, you’re implying that the non-asshole thing to do is stalk you? Well, I wouldn’t want you to be unhappy.”

“Fine. I work at ___.”

“OK. I’ll go there every day.”

The Next Day

“Hello, ma’am. This is going to sound weird, but: The woman who works in the ___ department wants me to come here once every day and ask about her. Please tell her I was here when you get the chance. Thank you.”

Why I Stopped Watching “13 Reasons Why”

Note: Language. And spoilers for Life Is Strange.

Recently, I decided to see if the popular Netflix series 13 Reasons Why was worth the hype.

I got halfway through episode 4 before I stopped.

I was willing to accept the premise: A high school girl blames everyone expect herself for the choice she makes.

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There’s one person holding the knife, Hannah — you.

I was willing to forgive our protagonist masturbating to a picture of the girl who would eventually kill herself — a scene I skipped when it became all too clear what Clay was doing with that cloth he pulled our of a drawer. Watching a teenage boy masturbate is not my idea of entertainment.

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“My computer is the only one who gets me.”

But the straw that broke the camel’s back was characters’ refusal to talk to each other about their struggles.

Whether it was teens talking to teens, teens talking to their parents, or teens talking to authority figures, it’s like there’s a force-field around the characters of 13 Reasons Why preventing person-to-person interaction.

I know mystery is a pillar of drama, but 13 Reasons Why felt needlessly complex. It felt like mystery for the sake of mystery: Mystery at the expense of common sense. If people just sat down and said “___ is how I’m feeling. And ___ is why,” the question of “What do we do about Hannah Baker’s suicide?” would be answered in 5 seconds.

The most infuriating character of all was Tony.

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I kept hoping that someone would pin Tony against a wall, tell him to cut the bullshit (pardon my French), and just explain what his deal is.

Because, Tony, to quote Jack Sparrow:

While watching 13 Reasons Why, I would always eventually think to myself “I would rather be playing Life Is Strange.” One reason why being: The characters in Life Is Strange actually talk to each other about what they’re going through.

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Maybe I’ll give the series another chance soon. After all: This could all just be hyperbole — I could be totally wrong and characters in 13 Reasons Why really do open up to each other. But my first impression was not a good one. The impression I walked away with from the 4 episodes I watched was: A lot of cloak-and-dagger with no method to its madness other than stringing out the story of a teenage girl’s suicide for as long as possible:

’13 Reasons Why’ Officially Renewed for Season 2 at Netflix