Since dropping out of college almost 3 years ago, I’ve struggled with depression.
One of the methods of coping I’ve found is treating my negative emotions like clothes and, like clothes, “taking them off.”
Doubt: Am I good enough to be the person I want to be?
Fear: I can’t make it. I don’t want to make it.
Anger: Why did I do that?
Sadness: I don’t deserve all that you’ve given me, God. Give it to someone else.
Undressing to shower this morning, my mind going at a million miles an hour as I thought about what colleges to, before the end of the month, apply to, and what classes to take, I stopped suddenly, struck by a desire.
Saying a prayer — trusting in God that I had this desire for a reason — before I stepped in the shower, I left the bathroom and walked around my house naked.
It was a liberating and strange feeling.
I felt like I was in a place I shouldn’t be, but was also in a place I was meant to be. Which makes sense: Though naked is one’s natural state of being, a kitchen is not a place for butts. (I was careful to avoid inadvertently touching a surface.)
I even went outside.
Closing the front door behind me, I stood in my yard, not minding the cold breeze, looking at the multi-colored clouds as the sun rose.
I don’t mean to sound like a hippie but, being in nature in my natural state, I felt cleansed.
My mind was like a dirty dish, and being naked was the soap, water, and sponge that cleaned it.
Returning to the bathroom minutes later, letting the shower’s water clean me, I felt like I finally knew what it meant to “take off” my negative emotions, like my doubt and fear:
To “take off” my negativity is to put my trust in God — to trust that God has given me the thoughts, feelings, and desires I have for a reason. And that reason is: To spread God’s light in a world in darkness.
After being naked outside, being in my most vulnerable state for the world to see, I felt like I could do anything. I thought to myself If I can be naked outside, than acing that job interview should be a walk in the park.
I’m sorry if this comes across as me being prideful. Pride is a vice that I struggle with.
It’s just: After showing all of myself, I felt that I could be all of myself — I felt that I could put to use all that God has given me, and I could put it to use for a purpose that brought me closer to Him and satisfied my desire to make something of my life: my desire to not live my life on the couch.