Category Archives: Paganism

I Have Found It — A Short Story

“I Have Found It”

Around Eureka, people rise to leave.*

Her head bowed in prayer, Eureka ignored them.

She heard the voices coming from the foyer begin to fade. She heard the priest close the foyer’s doors. She heard nothing from the priest as he returned to his changing room behind the altar. She saw the church’s lights shut off.

Rising, Eureka left the pew, walking to the foyer’s double doors. Opening the door on the right, she took a right across the foyer, to the bathroom. Seeing that the bathroom door was partially open, she opened it farther before slipping inside, turning on the light, and closing it behind her.

Closing the toilet, Eureka undressed. In her underwear, as she was folding her pants, she remembered the paper. Pausing to see if the folded piece of paper was still in her right pocket, she resumed folding her pants. Finishing undressing, she went to the door.

Opening the door an inch in order to make sure that there was no one in the foyer, Eureka opened the door all the way once she saw that the coast was clear. Turning off the bathroom light before crossing the foyer once again, opening the door on the right once again, and entering the church once again.

Naked and alone, Eureka walked down the aisle.

Her bare feet on marble was the only sound.

Shaking as much from fear as from the cold, Eureka took slow, deep breaths in order to calm herself.

She could just make out the painting, illuminated by candles, above the altar. A painting of the three aspects of God. Eureka imagined they were speaking to her.

The Father: “How dare you!”

The Mother: “Whore!”

The Child: “Why?”

Not slowing, stopping, or turning around, Eureka made it to the pew closest to the altar.

Gingerly easing herself into the pew in order to not touch a surface with her butt, Eureka put her elbows on the low wooden wall that separated the altar from the congregation, knelt, bowed her head, and clasped her hands in prayer.

“God…” she whispered. “See me. Just. See me. I know you must not like this, but… I wanted to do this. I felt I needed to do this. Even if you hated me, I needed you to see me. And I… I needed to see you.”

***

Eureka sat in a booth, enjoying the bar food that was her father’s gift on her 21st birthday.

Giving her a moment to think about it as she took a drink of her water, he asked a question.

“Are you ready for your last final?”

Eureka answered. “As ready as I can be. Now I feel like all I can do is roll the dice.”

Her father smiled. “You’ll do great. Your mother and I are proud of you.”

“Thanks. I’m glad for this opportunity — to be here. I’ve learned a lot about myself.”

“Like what?”

“Being an editor is hard. It’s nothing like I thought it would be.”

Her father took a drink of his beer, steeling himself for the question he dreaded.

“You have a back-up plan?”

“I’m working on it.”

Putting his left hand on the table, Eureka grasped it.

She was looking him in the eye when he said: “Your mother and I are thankful you waited. I know it must not have been easy living at home while your brother finished school.”

Eureka shook her head, appalled. “No. I knew you and mom could only do so much. I didn’t want to put pressure on you. Plus, I needed time. I wasn’t ready to make the leap from high school to college yet.”

“Thank you for thinking of us.”

“Yeah. You’ve done so much for me, and I want to do what I can for you.”

“No matter what, Eureka, you’ll always be our miracle child.”

She withdrew her hand.

“Dad–”

“Really. The doctors told us you wouldn’t make it. For the longest time, we couldn’t decide on a name. But when the doctors found that you would make it, as the saying goes: ‘The rest is history.’”

“‘You’ve been given a second chance,’ you’d say when I was younger. And I want to be worthy of that second chance.”

Eureka’s father could see that his daughter still had a habit of absentmindedly rubbing the inside of her forearms.

“Eureka–”

“I know you and mom say I have nothing to prove. But I wouldn’t be much of a ‘miracle child’ if I disappointed you, would I?”

“Eureka… I have to ask: How do you think you did this semester?”

***

The first awake that day in her on-campus apartment, Eureka sat on the floor in her pajamas just outside her open bedroom door with her arms wrapped around her legs and her head against her knees….

***

Eureka sat at her desk in her bedroom, her eyes widening in shock when she realized that the letter she had received was from her academic adviser….

***

Not looking him in the eye, Eureka answered her father’s question.

“Not good.”

***

Eureka sat at the dinner table, frowning at her laptop.

On the laptop’s screen was the Employment page on the public library’s website. This summer, there were no positions currently available.

Next to Eureka stood her mother, reading a letter. A letter from Eureka’s college.

“Seven thousand dollars, Eureka! How do you expect to pay this? Because there’s only so much your father and I can do now.”

Despite a gesture at her laptop, Eureka refused to blame technology. “I’m doing everything I can! You know that!”

Not wanting to hear any more, with a shake of her head, Eureka’s mother walked away.

In shock at seeing her so upset, Eureka reached into her right pants pocket and pulled out her cell phone.

Scrolling through her contact list, Eureka abruptly stopped as she came to a name: Theo.

“…it must not have been easy living at home while your brother finished school.”

She resumed scrolling.

She called a number.

“Lyra? It’s Eureka.”

***

Eureka raised her bowed head, trying to see, through her tears, the painted faces of the Father, Mother, and Child.

“I want to know that I’m enough,” she whispered. “I want to know that I was worth it to you. That I was worth saving.”

Sniffling, Eureka unclasped her hands and looked at the scars on the inside of her forearms.

***

Nude, Eureka sat in a chair.

Across from her, on a couch, clothed, sat Lyra. Drawing.**

Tightening her grip on the chair’s armrests, Eureka fought the urge to flinch.

Eureka imagined that every time Lyra’s pencil made contact with paper, she was being cut with a knife. The knife exposing Eureka’s regret and fear as it lay her bare.

Glancing down at her front, Eureka imagined herself covered in bleeding cuts.

The blood turning her white skin red, Eureka remembered her father’s words to her.

“Miracle child.”

The blood running down her skin made Eureka of worms.*** Worms crawling out of an open grave.

Eureka imagined worms crawling out of her cuts and, in horror, drew in her breath sharply.

“Eureka, please don’t move.”

“Sorry.”

Eureka re-focused on Lyra, who continued drawing.

***

Narrowing her eyes, putting the pencil’s eraser to her lips and holding her sketchbook in front of her at arm’s length, Lyra was silent as Eureka sat still.

A moment later, she lowered her pencil and sketchbook.

“All done,” Lyra said with a smile.

Eureka sighed with relief.

“Thank you.”

“Thank you for allowing me to draw you. My Best Friend. That’s what I’m calling it. I think it turned out good.”

“Can I see it?”

Lyra nodded.

***

Tears drying on her cheeks, Eureka stood, in order to try and see God’s faces more clearly.

Feeling exposed, she took a step backward and, with the wood of the pew against her skin, was comforted by the knowledge that there was something solid at her back.

Suddenly, Eureka felt lips close around her right nipple.

Looking down, Eureka saw a naked little girl standing on her tiptoes, suckling. Her hands on Eureka’s breast for balance.****

Their eyes meeting, the girl pulled away. She burped and giggled.

Staring at the girl licking her lips, then at her wet breast, Eureka uttered the first word that came to mind: “What…?”

Bright eyes set in a blushing face found Eureka’s once again.

“Go- goo- good,” the girl said, as if she had just learned to speak.

Recoiling, Eureka pointed to herself. “M-me?”

The girl nodded.

***

Eureka got up from the chair to come and see Lyra’s drawing of her.

“One look at you today and I thought I’ve found it! And now you can keep ‘it.’”

Bending over, Eureka looked at the drawing.

She was speechless.

The drawing’s face radiated an inner peace Eureka did not believe that she herself had. On the drawing’s face was an expression that said “This will all be over soon.”

“What do you think?”

“It’s me…. It’s just not my life.”*****

“What do you mean?” said Lyra, concerned.

Eureka tapped the paper and looked at her.

“I haven’t found what you saw.”

***

Wanting to say more to her, Eureka got on her knees so that she could be closer to the girl.

Before she could say anything, the girl lie on her stomach, resting her head on Eureka’s thighs as if they were pillows.

Eureka felt a peace that she had never felt before. It emanated from the girl like body heat.

The girl blinked sleepily.

A single word was spoken as, reminded of Lyra’s drawing, Eureka watched the Child close her eyes.

“Good.”

The End

*One of the inspirations for Eureka was the character of the same name in my favorite anime series: Eureka Seven.

**The character of Lyra was inspired by Ursula from Kiki’s Delivery Service (1989).

***The words “The blood running down her skin made Eureka of worms. Worms crawling out of an open grave,” were inspired by these words during the Red Wedding in George R.R. Martin’s A Storm of Swords:

“Slow red worms crawled along her arms and under her clothes.”

****The Child drinking milk from Eureka’s breast was inspired by Saint Anthony of Padua holding the baby Jesus.

*****The words “It’s me…. It’s just not my life,” were inspired by these words in my favorite novel: Armor, by John Steakley:

“It was her. It just wasn’t her life.”

A few final things:

Thank you to fellow blogger sunshine lou. She inspired me to write “I Have Found It” and was one of the inspirations for the character of Eureka, too. The final two influences being myself — Eureka’s experiences are partly based on my own — and Kiki, from the 1989 film Kiki’s Delivery Service. Lou also inspired my poem “The Wild Witch” and the still-being-written short story “Wild Child.” (The reason the woman in the poem is a witch is because, just before I wrote it, I had been talking to a woman who is a witch, and so had witches on my mind. I’m thankful for the insight into Paganism that she gave me.)

I’ve realized lately that I can be a chatterbox. I tend to talk even after, judging by their silence, others are just done. And so, even though “I Have Found It” was posted days ago, I was hesitant to thank Lou because I didn’t want to do to her what I imagine I have done to others: Cause them to think Ugh. This guy again? I don’t say this in order to criticize Lou in any way. She’s a good person, and she should do what is best for herself regardless of how it might make me feel. I say this just to express my thoughts on my tendency to talk and talk and talk.

I am thanking Lou now in order to give her the credit she deserves for making this story possible.

And:

Thank you to the beautiful woman whose picture I used in this post.

And:

Months ago, I wrote a series of posts with the title “I Have Found It.” Those posts, for the time being, have been privated. The reason why is: I’m currently figuring out what to do with them. If those posts were “I Have Found It, 1.0,” this post is “I Have Found It, 2.0.”

And:

The creation story of Eureka’s faith.

And:

Naked and Nude: What’s the Difference?

Finally:

Thank you for reading my story. I hope you liked it.

Feedback is always appreciated.

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Mamma’s Girl — A Short Story

My wall falls as I raise my hands in surrender.

 

Letting it, my cover slides down my legs.

 

Like a morsel of food, it is coveted.

Like a heavy heart, it sinks.

Like a memory, it is forgotten.

 

The seat of my chair digs into my bare butt.

To think that joy and pain were birthed by the same woman…

 

Playing favorites, I abandon the wood for the water.

 

The sand is as hot as Hell.

So, am I in Heaven?

 

Like a lover’s, the sea’s spray breaks against my skin.

 

Let them see me.

For one will ever see me.

 

Going deep.

Deeper!

And deeper…

 

Did I make Mother proud?

Woman

Thank you to this beautiful woman. Her photo inspired this piece of writing.

A Catholic Responds To Christian Apologetics

Note #1: Language.

Note #2: Contains spoilers for Life Is Strange.

Thank you to The Closet Atheist for inspiring me to write this.

Below are excerpts from her post Apologetics 101: Lesson 1 and the thoughts I had while reading them:

Postmodernism says there is no objective truth or reality, but rather, reality is whatever we’re feeling

And?

I mean, it’s good to have some definition of a word, but on its own that does nothing to reassure me that the god of the Bible is who he says he is.

Secularists treat life as if it has no value

This is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. It’s basically saying “You can’t be good without God.” And that’s just not true. Why? Because: Atheists are just as capable as Christians of having empathy and showing compassion. Which, ironically, the Bible itself points out: “He has put eternity in the human heart.” (Ecclesiastes 3:11) Not the Christian heart — the human heart.

You don’t have to say “Jesus is lord!” in order to fight to defend your country from fascists. You don’t have to say “Jesus is lord!” in order to slip $5 into the hand of a homeless person. You don’t have to say “Jesus is lord!” in order to cry at the funeral for a family member.

I could go on, but I’ll stop there.

We all have a “God-hole” that can’t be filled by stuff

I agree.

In life, we’re always wanting more.

To repeat what I said in Is Humanity Pagan?:

There is no climax to end all climaxes.

Without God, man tries to rise to become a god himself

As someone who struggles with pride, I can tell you for a fact that, even with God, “man tries to rise to become a god himself[.]”

Money can’t save us; it hasn’t fixed poverty or other problems of our world, so why should we expect it to? (note: neither has prayer)

I agree that money is, ultimately, not the solution to societal ills like poverty. A change of mindset is. Throwing money at a person who isn’t motivated to make their own isn’t going to lift that person out of their circumstances.

And prayer by itself won’t save us, either. Because:

“Faith without works is dead.” (James 2:26)

The reason why people don’t believe in God is because they don’t want to be obedient

I wouldn’t be surprised if that was some person’s reason for not wanting to believe in a power higher than themselves.

But, if you actually talk to atheists (like the Bible says to do — Matthew 5:14 — 16) you’ll find that that is not the case for everyone.

A Christian college can’t make you a godly person

I agree.

On a related note: 5 Insane Realities At My Fundamentalist Christian College

Revelation from God provides a “truth detector” from error and falsehood which arise from a man-made doctrinal base

I agree.

It’s hard discerning what is an apparent “Revelation from God” and what is, in fact, nonsense someone pulled out of their ass.

The world’s knowledge is limited by the mind of man and his imagination, while the mind of God is infinite and unlimited

I agree. We don’t know it all.

How boring would life be if we did?

When you’re trapped on a desert island, it’s more useful to have a Bible than fire (I think this was implied but not directly stated)

Depends: Is the island overrun with White Walkers?

Seriously, though: Depending on the circumstances, if I had to choose between a Bible or fire, I’d pick fire.

For example: If the person I’m stranded with is going to die of exposure before they have a chance to hear the Good News, unless there’s a miracle, a Bible isn’t going to warm them up.

Morality is objective and comes from the Bible

Which version of the Bible are we talking about here?

Because if it’s the King James Bible, you’re telling me that for over 1,611 years (at least) people didn’t know that killing your neighbor isn’t generally something you should do? It’s a wonder anyone lasted long enough to hear such a revelation…

Seriously, though: While I consider the Bible to be the source of much of what I consider moral, morality does not come from the pages of the Bible alone.

What I mean when I say that is: You don’t have to look long to find codes of conduct that predate, or come after, the words written in the Bible.

Regarding morality: There’s a reason the 10 Commandments say “Thou shalt not kill” and not “Never kill” — because there are circumstances where the moral thing to do is kill.

If a bullet is the only way to save a mother and her child from the person who has invaded their home, than pull the trigger.

Mormon beliefs and practices are really bizarre (because Christianity is so not bizarre?)

Why single out Mormons?

And I agree: Christianity can be bizarre.

But, you know what? Life is strange, so a strange worldview suits me just fine.

Don’t be a “silent witness”; rather, go up to people and start a conversation in order to find what makes them tick so that you can try to convert them to Christianity

Let your actions speak louder than your words.

A lot of people don’t believe that they’re lost and think they’re a good person

I don’t believe anyone is “lost.”

We’re all on a journey, even if we don’t know for sure what is at the top of the mountain we’re climbing.

Keep seeking what is good, true, and beautiful, and I believe you will one day find yourself in the presence of the creator of all that is good, true, and beautiful.

“Holy tension” is when the Bible doesn’t make sense like when Lot’s wife turned into a pillar of salt (but if God wants to do things like that, then He can)

I thought Lot’s wife turning to salt made sense. God said “Don’t do the thing.” And what did Lot’s wife do? She did the thing.

On the other hand: Why a pillar of salt? God has infinite options for condemning disobedience, and that’s what He goes with? OK.

Unbelievers will be encouraged to examine the evidence for theism

I agree.

The question is: For what purpose?

Liberals relegate scripture as myth, legend, or fable in order to discount the veracity of the Bible

Examples of “Liberals” please.

“The skies declare His glory – HAVE YOU LOOKED AT THE SKY?” (Checkmate, atheists!)

The beauty of the world is one reason I believe in a god.

But: Different strokes for different folks.

You can’t change people’s minds, only the Holy Spirit can do that; you can only point them in the right direction

I believe that God, being God, allows all things to be possible since all things, ultimately, have their source in Him.

However: I don’t see how a person will come to believe in God without using their free will. After all: Just like how you can’t force someone to love you, you can’t force someone to believe in you. Which it sounds like what the Holy Spirit is doing here — flipping the “I believe in God” switch in your brain itself.

“The virgin birth is true because God” (I specifically pointed out to myself in my notes that this was a direct quote from my teacher)

*Groan*

Noah’s Ark is hard to understand, but we can believe it, because believing something comes before understanding it, not the other way around

I agree. Sometimes, it’s necessary to take a leap of faith.

For example: If I’m slowly dying, and my best friend says they’re going to help me, than for the sake of our friendship I’m going to trust that the person who says “I have your best interests at heart” really does have my best interests at heart. After all: I don’t want to lose my best friend like Max lost Chloe:

For more: Chloe, Euthanasia, and Seeing All Ends

We don’t understand wind either, but we believe that it’s there because we can see its effects!

Really? That’s the best you can do?

One difference between God and the wind: Wind destroys mindlessly, and God does not.

Hurricane Harvey wasn’t sentient; it wasn’t aware that it was passing through Houston.

I want my tuition money back.

Is Humanity Pagan?

Woman 3

I agree that we are “pagan” in the sense that we are meant to exist in nature in our natural state. (i.e., Naked.)

I agree that nature is our “chapel”: The physical manifestation of the glory of the infinite.

Adam and Eve10 Woman 4

But: If we are only concerned with pleasure — if the desire for an orgasm is what drives us — than can we really say we are free? Or are we actually at the mercy of that which gives us pleasure?

A bitter reality of life is: No matter the number of orgies, we’ll always want more.

There is no climax to end all climaxes.

Not in this life.

Thank you to the beautiful women whose photos were used in this post. Thank you, too, to the artist(s) who made the art used in this post.

The Wild Witch

Her bones are made of earth.
Her eyes are the color of water.

Her hair is like the sun.
Golden.

This night, it is clothes that feed her fire.
Her old life is turning to ashes before her eyes.

She absorbs the vibes of the forest through the soles of her feet.
And in her soul the heart of her mother, Earth, beats.

Squatting in the earth, she pays no mind to the non-human eyes watching her.
Wiping, the leaf against her butt awakens the memory of one human’s kiss.

Receiving his gift on the night of a full moon, she does not howl with the wolves.
On the night of a full moon, she opens her legs, not her mouth.

Imagining her lips around her nipple, the two become one again.
If only for a moment.

In the earthbound wild she sleeps.
To dream of the magic that is flight.

Woman

Thank you to the beautiful women, whoever they may be, who made the images used in this post possible.

What Does It Mean To Be A “Wild Woman”?

Wild Women follow no religion, we follow the teachings of our ancestors and Nature is our temple. Nature is our Mother and teacher. Our sisters provide the strength we need, and the Goddess holds us within her heart. The Wild Woman follows nothing but her Wild Heart. 
~ Shikoba

Wild Women follow no religion…

In the Garden of Eden, there was no such thing as religion. There was no need. Because Eve walked side-by-side with her creator, able to talk about anything, anytime, as easily as you talk to a loved one who is lying in bed with you. It wasn’t until after the Fall that Eve had to find a new means of maintaining her relationship with her creator.

…we follow the teachings of our ancestors and Nature is our temple.

Before the Fall, Eve lived in Nature. Specifically, in a garden.

Regarding following “the teachings of our ancestors”:

“Everything must be fulfilled that is written about me in the Law of Moses, the Prophets and the Psalms.”
~ Luke 24:4

I’m not implying that Jesus is a Wild Woman. He’s not a woman. But: He is wild:

Then the high priest tore his robes and said, “He has uttered blasphemy. What further witnesses do we need? You have now heard his blasphemy.”
~ Matthew 26:65

I am saying that following the teachings of one’s ancestors — fulfilling (i.e., doing) what was written — was essential to Eve’s salvation.

Image result for is he safe course he isn't safe but he's good narnia quote

Nature is our Mother and teacher.

Question: What do a woman and a tree have in common?

Image result for mother nursing children Image result for child picking fruit from a tree

Our sisters provide the strength we need…

Image result for women praying

…and the Goddess holds us within her heart.

Image result for mary's immaculate heart

The Wild Woman follows nothing but her Wild Heart.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart…
~Ecclesiastes 3:11