“Nothing is really little as long as it is genuine.”
The temptation to be like the world is as close to us as a mother kangaroo is to her her baby. It’s normal for people, for humans like us to crave for acceptance from the world we live in. We’d rather take nasty, second-hand, fifty-percent meant compliments rather than have genuine, authentic, and rebuking kind of conversations. We’d choose to suffer the guilt of not being true on our own little bubbles, our rooms and the closed comfort of our homes than to reveal who we truly are and what we truly feel to everyone around us. Including those who confess they’re just like us – the ones whom you share the same faith with, the same blood with, in one lifetime or another. We get so caught up by becoming someone to others, someone strong, someone who’s got it all together, we…
Below are some random thoughts I’ve been having lately that I felt like writing down just because they’d been bouncing around in my head and I felt like letting them out.
Lately I feel like I haven’t been taking good care of myself.
I’ve been so focused on trying to be a light for others that I feel like I’ve neglected being a light for myself.
I want to do good for others. I want to change the world for the better. I want to be the best person I can be.
One of the reasons why is because, according to my parents, I almost died as result of my premature birth. I was born 3 months premature.
I see my life as a miracle, and I don’t want to waste it.
But I’m not perfect. To be blunt: I’ve fucked up.
There are times where I’ve become the kind of person I promised myself I never would be, and that has ended relationships I thought would last forever.
I believe there is a God.
Because: There’s a feeling within me that there is more to existence than what I can perceive with my senses. I don’t care if I’m seen as “illogical,” and I don’t care if I’m seen as “close-minded,” but: There is nothing anyone can do or say to persuade me that there is not something more to existence.
I believe that God loves me.
But, at the same time, I believe I am undeserving of God’s love. One of the reasons why I believe I am undeserving is: I struggle with pride. And, if I think to myself I don’t deserve ___, than I won’t be as tempted to think Life owes me ___! I want it! I want it! I want it! like a spoiled brat.
What currently drives me to write is the fact that I think so much of the art by my fellow Christians is awful. For example:
I hate saying that. After all: We (Christians and non-Christians) are just doing what we can to be the best we can. But I’m not going to be dishonest about my feelings.
I know my own writing isn’t the greatest thing since sliced bread. I know I still have a long way to go before my writing is ready to be seen by the masses. But there has got to be better art made by Christians. And I want to do what I can to make “better art.”
I feel like a lot of my posts come across as pessimistic. And that troubles me. As a Catholic, I know I shouldn’t be like that — I shouldn’t be pessimistic. But if I were to say “I’m not pessimistic” than I would be lying. And I will not lie.
It felt good to let that out.
The song that does the best job of conveying my current mood:
The trailer for the new “Star Wars” movie was released yesterday…
…and I am worried.
“I only know one truth: It’s time for the Jedi to end.”
You only know one truth?
What about the truth that there is — or was, because he’s dead now — good in Vader?
Did you forget about that?
My first impression of The Last Jedi is:
Moral relativism, like a kouhun, is creeping into the “Star Wars” saga.
Other lines in the trailer that add to this creeping feeling:
“Light. Darkness. A Balance.”
“…is so much bigger.”
On the one hand: “Balance” has always been a theme in “Star Wars.” More than once, characters have talked of the importance of bringing balance to the Force.
On the other hand: The Last Jedi seems to be going beyond balance — going beyond the Light Side and the Dark Side of the Force, to uncharted territory.
And that makes me raise a skeptical eyebrow.
I mean, what’s wrong with expanding one’s worldview, no longer limiting oneself to notions like “Good” and “Evil”?
Well: If Good — i.e., Light — is just one point of view, not a state of being to strive for…
…and it is essentially no different than Evil — i.e., Darkness — like Luke is teaching Rey that it is, if their dialogue is anything to judge by — “…is so much bigger.” — than I consider that ironic.
Because: Another “Star Wars” character also taught their apprentice that Good was merely one point of view:
The message is clear:
In the “Star Wars” universe, moral relativism is a tool of Evil. A tool of the Sith. A tool of the Dark Side.
Yet the same education that Palpatine gave Anakin is the same education Rey is receiving from Luke. Only this time, such an education is not treated as a trap — i.e., a means to cause one to fall to the Dark Side — but as gospel.
The Last Jedi teaser trailer comes across as an attempt by Disney to show how hip it is by asserting that there is no Good and Evil, and no absolute truth — or, rather, only one truth.
It flies in the face of Disney’s most recent “Star Wars” movie, Rogue One, where notions of Good and Evil existed, and the line between them was clear:
“The Force moves darkly near a creature that’s about to kill.”
And it flies in the face of Luke’s previous experiences: How can Luke only know “one truth” when it was truth — “…there is good in you.” — that redeemed his father? You think he would remember that.
Did Disney watch the movies they paid $4 billion for?
In February, I started my first job in over 3 years. I’m glad I’m working again, but it can be hard.
Last week, I decided to end a relationship with a friend after I came to the conclusion that communication had broken down and such a relationship was now doing me more harm than good. In short: Briefly, I became the kind of person I promised myself I would never be, and that cost me someone dear. I pray for her, wishing her the best. But I came to the conclusion that it is better for me if she not have such a prominent place in my life anymore.
My deadline for deciding whether or not to continue my college education is drawing near.
There has been at least one bright spot, though: I finished my first screenplay.
It’s a short film about how a young woman’s choice to go naked effects her search for meaning in her life after she returns home upon dropping out of college.
The point of the challenge is to write about how I “lived boundless” this week — to write about one example every week of me doing more than I thought I was capable of.
And, I really do hate to say it, but: Lately, my neighbor’s cat has been more boundless than me.
Since I used to have two dogs — they died after living long, happy lives — my neighbor’s calico cat — that hangs out around my house because I give her food — has, for the longest time, resisted actually coming into the house. She must still be able to smell the dogs. But, over the weeks she’s made progress.
Yesterday she jumped on my couch and stayed there for 10 minutes before running to the door and meow-ing to be let out.
The light is bad, but here she is:
I call her “Kiki,” thanks to Kiki’s Delivery Service (1989).
Because: Instead of delivering bread, Kiki the calico delivers “Aww!” Whenever I see her, I can’t help but go “Aww!” She always makes me do this:
To get back on subject:
This week, I do have something to be Boundless about:
I finished the screenplay for my short film.
There will, undeniably, be more edits as I show it to people more knowledgeable about screenwriting than I. But, I’ve hit a wall: I feel like I’ve done everything for this screenplay that I, with my current knowledge of writing, can do. Hence why I consider it “finished.”
Have you ever felt like that? You write, and write, and write, and you get to a point where you look at what you’ve written and think I’ve done everything I can.
For weeks, my life has been relatively unexciting.
Just been trying to get more used to my job stocking shelves, since it’s the first job I’ve had in over 3 years. (School, family obligations, and soul-searching kept me busy during that time.)
When I’m not working, I’ve been listening to the Life is Strange soundtrack while I try and think of more ideas for screenplays…
…and spending time with my best friend. We hang out more frequently now, which I’m glad for. In my quest for awesomeness, I don’t want to neglect relationships.
“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”
~Matthew 5:14 — 16