Below are some random thoughts I’ve been having lately that I felt like writing down just because they’d been bouncing around in my head and I felt like letting them out.
Lately I feel like I haven’t been taking good care of myself.
I’ve been so focused on trying to be a light for others that I feel like I’ve neglected being a light for myself.
I want to do good for others. I want to change the world for the better. I want to be the best person I can be.
One of the reasons why is because, according to my parents, I almost died as result of my premature birth. I was born 3 months premature.
I see my life as a miracle, and I don’t want to waste it.
But I’m not perfect. To be blunt: I’ve fucked up.
There are times where I’ve become the kind of person I promised myself I never would be, and that has ended relationships I thought would last forever.
I believe there is a God.
Because: There’s a feeling within me that there is more to existence than what I can perceive with my senses. I don’t care if I’m seen as “illogical,” and I don’t care if I’m seen as “close-minded,” but: There is nothing anyone can do or say to persuade me that there is not something more to existence.
I believe that God loves me.
But, at the same time, I believe I am undeserving of God’s love. One of the reasons why I believe I am undeserving is: I struggle with pride. And, if I think to myself I don’t deserve ___, than I won’t be as tempted to think Life owes me ___! I want it! I want it! I want it! like a spoiled brat.
What currently drives me to write is the fact that I think so much of the art by my fellow Christians is awful. For example:
I hate saying that. After all: We (Christians and non-Christians) are just doing what we can to be the best we can. But I’m not going to be dishonest about my feelings.
I know my own writing isn’t the greatest thing since sliced bread. I know I still have a long way to go before my writing is ready to be seen by the masses. But there has got to be better art made by Christians. And I want to do what I can to make “better art.”
I feel like a lot of my posts come across as pessimistic. And that troubles me. As a Catholic, I know I shouldn’t be like that — I shouldn’t be pessimistic. But if I were to say “I’m not pessimistic” than I would be lying. And I will not lie.
It felt good to let that out.
The song that does the best job of conveying my current mood: