I’m having a shitty day so far.
Earlier today I was read the account of Noah’s Ark, and that reminded me of the Blessed Virgin Mary’s warnings to humanity.
Why God is considering mass murder is irrelevant. It’s that He’s considering it at all that rocks me to my core.
St. Augustine says that “Our hearts are restless until they rest in God.”
What does that say about me, that my deepest desire is be loved by a being who would kill me with fire if it was His will?
God’s actions are the actions of a psychopath.
If someone killed another merely for not doing what they wanted, that person would be considered psychotic. But because it’s God doing the killing, I’m just supposed to accept it.
I could excuse instances of mass-murder in the Bible — like Noah’s Ark — because I see such instances as allegorical. For example: The Ark represents the Church, and the waters of the flood represent the waters of baptism. (Don’t ask me how that works. I’m currently too beat to care.)
I can’t deny it anymore: God is bloodthirsty.
He uses violence to solve His problems, and seemingly doesn’t care that the people He kills in His anger — like at Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 19) — are going to Hell because of the life they lived. To put it another way: God sees the state of peoples’ souls, and He kills them anyway.
If God is the personification of love — 1 John 4:8 — I have one question: How is that loving?
I will not accept this.
This flies in the face of everything that I, as a Catholic, believe to be true about God.
I said days ago that I don’t see how I could become an atheist.
Well, now I do.
I refuse to become an atheist. Why? Because: As someone who once considered suicide, I am all too aware of my limits and won’t delude myself into thinking that, when it comes to living, I can make it just fine on my own.
And I won’t abandon my Catholic faith. Why? Because: If my faith is true, than I’ll have a lot to answer for when I stand in front of the pearly gates if I ditch God now.
Regardless of what I’ve just said, the fact is: I don’t know what to believe anymore.
I feel dead inside.
How can it be said that life has meaning if that life can be snuffed out, at any moment, at the whim of the being who is supposed to be love incarnate, with seemingly no regard for the fate of that life’s immortal soul?
The Bible says that we can’t understand God. (Isaiah 55:8)
To that I say: Good.
I don’t want to see what goes on in the head of a murderer.
To end on a semi-uplifting note:
This is my “angry song” — the song I play when I need to vent my frustration at something.
I figure venting is better than bottling up.
The lyrics are fitting:
I’m not sick but I’m not well
And I’m so hot ’cause I’m in Hell