I’m Losing Faith In God

Note: Language.

I’m having a shitty day so far.

Earlier today I was read the account of Noah’s Ark, and that reminded me of the Blessed Virgin Mary’s warnings to humanity.

Why God is considering mass murder is irrelevant. It’s that He’s considering it at all that rocks me to my core.

St. Augustine says that “Our hearts are restless until they rest in God.”

What does that say about me, that my deepest desire is be loved by a being who would kill me with fire if it was His will?

God’s actions are the actions of a psychopath.

If someone killed another merely for not doing what they wanted, that person would be considered psychotic. But because it’s God doing the killing, I’m just supposed to accept it.

I could excuse instances of mass-murder in the Bible — like Noah’s Ark — because I see such instances as allegorical. For example: The Ark represents the Church, and the waters of the flood represent the waters of baptism. (Don’t ask me how that works. I’m currently too beat to care.)

But this

I can’t deny it anymore: God is bloodthirsty.

He uses violence to solve His problems, and seemingly doesn’t care that the people He kills in His anger — like at Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 19) — are going to Hell because of the life they lived. To put it another way: God sees the state of peoples’ souls, and He kills them anyway.

If God is the personification of love — 1 John 4:8 — I have one question: How is that loving?

I will not accept this.

This flies in the face of everything that I, as a Catholic, believe to be true about God.

I said days ago that I don’t see how I could become an atheist.

Well, now I do.

I refuse to become an atheist. Why? Because: As someone who once considered suicide, I am all too aware of my limits and won’t delude myself into thinking that, when it comes to living, I can make it just fine on my own.

And I won’t abandon my Catholic faith. Why? Because: If my faith is true, than I’ll have a lot to answer for when I stand in front of the pearly gates if I ditch God now.


Regardless of what I’ve just said, the fact is: I don’t know what to believe anymore.

I feel dead inside.

How can it be said that life has meaning if that life can be snuffed out, at any moment, at the whim of the being who is supposed to be love incarnate, with seemingly no regard for the fate of that life’s immortal soul?

The Bible says that we can’t understand God. (Isaiah 55:8)

To that I say: Good.

I don’t want to see what goes on in the head of a murderer.


To end on a semi-uplifting note:

This is my “angry song” — the song I play when I need to vent my frustration at something.

I figure venting is better than bottling up.

The lyrics are fitting:

I’m not sick but I’m not well
And I’m so hot ’cause I’m in Hell


12 thoughts on “I’m Losing Faith In God

  1. I see what you’re saying man, but I don’t understand the gravity with which you take the bible. The way I read it, it’s fiction written from the antagonist’s point of view. And if that book were to be true, heaven would be like hell as well. Existing forever? That’s so depressing. Plus you’d be with the knowledge that someone’s burning forever as well. If you need some inspiration and purpose of life, you could check this out. It would really help you man.


      1. As for the suicide thingy, if you’re feeling low and need to talk, you can always contact me. You don’t know me, we’ve never interacted, therefore it’s certain that I won’t be judging you and you’d be free to express yourself. You can reach out through emails at aayushthereader@gmail.com

  2. I’m so sorry that you’re in such a hard place. The character of God is one of the things that really turns me off to Christianity. That being said, I know that your faith is very important to you, and I hope that you end up where you believe that you’re supposed to be, whether it is as an atheist, an agnostic, or a Catholic.

    Coincidentally, the post I’m planning for tomorrow relates somewhat to one of your reasons for not deconverting and becoming an atheist. I hope that it helps you.

    1. Thank you for your kind words.

      I look forward to reading your post tomorrow. I always enjoy your writing.

      I don’t know where I’ll end up yet (Catholic, agnostic, or atheist) but I’m starting to feel better now. I just needed some time to take it easy, and many people have been very supportive.

  3. To quote Anthony Hopkins playing C.S. Lewis in Shadowlands (1993), “It’s a bloody awful mess and that’s all there is to it.”

  4. I stumbled upon your blog today. I am an atheist, and while I think you and I would disagree on a few issues, I see a lot of my younger self in your writing especially this post.

    I struggled with depression for years, I even attempted suicide which got me locked up in a mental hospital. I say that to tell you that things can get better, but it does take work. Don’t wait like I did until it was too late before seeking professional help. There is nothing wrong or weak or embarrassing with talking to a psychiatrist. I hated it at the time, I thought the doctors and counselors were quacks. I fought taking my medications. Looking back on it now, though, getting professional help was the best thing that ever happened to me. I wouldn’t be alive today without those doctors and counselors.

    Depression can come in waves, and there were days when I felt much better and so I kept putting off seeking help because of it, until I eventually bottomed out completely.

    I’m just a random stranger on the internet, passing by. But I read your post and cared enough to reply. Imagine how much more those around you care.

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