How can I forgive myself?
That’s the question I’m asking myself as I research college classes to take.
I hope to be returning to college this fall to study screenwriting.
And yet I can’t stop thinking about my previous experience at college…
During my second semester, I took classes that, I realized too late, I wasn’t prepared to take. In addition, for at least a week, I was as sick as I have ever been. (With what, and for what reason, I don’t know.)
As the semester ended, as it became clear that college, for the time being, wasn’t the place for me, and that there was nothing I could do to salvage my grades, the worst aspect of myself reared its ugly head — my anger.
I’ve struggled with anger since I was in Kindergarten. It’s just in my nature to, when stressed, instead of breaking down crying, get pissed.
I lashed out at people who were only trying to help — treated people like disposable objects: means to an end.
Then I came home and have been able to get my head on straight.
I couldn’t say exactly how, but I feel I am a different person now than I was when I came home almost 3 years ago.
There is more I wish I had done during my nearly 3 years home. But, as a whole, I feel that my time home has been good for me.
For example: I was able to accomplish a dream of mine: Establish a presence online.
A place where, I hope, people always feel that their voice is heard. And if their voice isn’t heard — if I refuse to speak to them or refuse to allow them to speak by deleting their comment(s) — at the very least they know why. (If they want to know why.)
As corny as it might sound, I want my blog to be a Safe Space: An imperfect light in the darkness that is this imperfect world.
For all that I feel I have accomplished and all the growth as a person that I feel I have gone through, I still find it hard to forgive myself for having to drop out of college, and for the way I treated people who were only trying to help: People who, circumstances being what they are, I am unable to reach.
I’ve accepted that me dropping out of college is something I’m never going to be OK with — it’s like Frodo’s wound from the Morgul blade in The Lord of the Rings: It’s a wound that will never fully heal.
I feel like Eureka:
Renton: “That’s enough.”
Eureka: “It is not! It is not enough…”
1:43 — 1:50:
One more thought:
Readers of this blog know that I write about nudity a lot.
The reason why is because I see the act of getting naked as more than the act of taking off clothes.
When I undress, I feel that I am doing more than taking off my clothes. I am “taking off” my doubt, fear, and regret, too. I am returning to the state of being that, as a Catholic, I believe God meant for not just me, but for every person: Naked without shame. (Genesis 2:15)
I’m not saying that getting naked is the be-all and end-all solution to my struggle to forgive myself. It’s not. And I never thought it was. But: I do believe that it is a step in the right direction.
Clothes always, eventually, have to come back on. But: When I’m naked, I feel that I am more able to be the person God wants me to be. Whoever that may be.
Which is why I always liked the below scene in Sword Art Online. I don’t want to consider it fanservice, because I consider it more than that. In Suguha, I see myself. A person struggling to know, and do, what is right. A person who sees taking off their clothes as a means of stripping away the negative aspects of themselves — their doubt, their fear — in order to say to themselves “___ is who I am. And ___ is who I am meant to be.”
Those are just some thoughts that had been bouncing around in my head, wanting to get out.
Thank you for reading.