Note #1: Feedback is always appreciated on this post and on all my other posts.
Note #2: This chapter contains sexual content.
I Have Found It
Chapter 8: Part 1
Clothed, Eureka sat on her bed with her back against her pillow and her diary in her lap.
Her door and blinds were closed.
I ran into him again today, she wrote.
When I went to the library an hour ago in order to follow-up on that job application I’d turned in last week, I saw him checking out a book. He was busy talking to one of the librarians, and I had just walked in, so he didn’t see me.
I immediately turned around and walked back through the foyer, to the women’s restroom. I stayed in there for 10 minutes, before I guessed that the coast was clear. When I walked in the library again, I didn’t see him.
Why did I hide? Because I feel like he used me. When I met him at the nude beach last week, I just had to look between his legs to know what he wanted from me. He couldn’t hide it. And when I went with him back to his place later that night, and he asked me if I wanted to go into the bedroom, I knew what he wanted. I wanted it too. I just should’ve put two and two together and realized that, though we both wanted the same thing, why we wanted it was very different.
I knew we wanted the same thing for different reasons when he emptied himself all over me. He couldn’t wait. He apologized, but his actions spoke louder than his words: When I finally cleaned myself up, he wasn’t awake to see it — he had fallen asleep while I was in his bathroom.
I know not everyone will see me like I want them to see me. But, I still feel like I should try — I feel like I should do what I can to show people that I am more than my body. And the way I feel it is best to show people that is by being naked.
I feel this way not just because I like being naked and it’s something I’m going to do regardless of how people choose to see me and treat me. I feel this way because I would rather, for example, have men look at my breasts and see that my breasts serve a non-sexual purpose, than have men continue to live with the notion that breasts exist to give them an erection: A notion that I feel is perpetuated by an unspoken rule that “Breasts must be covered.”
I uncover my breasts to say “See them. See their purpose. See their dignity. See my dignity.”
I feel like a hypocrite. I get naked because I want people to see me. All of me. To look beyond my body and see the human being underneath. But there’s at least one person I can’t stand to be seen by.
The end of Chapter 8: Part 1