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I Have Found It
“See me,” Eureka said as, naked, she looked out on the city from her open bedroom window.
A warm breeze brushed Eureka’s long hair. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. pollution and garbage… But there was more. The scent of the trees and flowers planted, at intervals, on the sidewalk below… It was the smell of bloom and rot. The smell of life and death. The smell of good and evil.
Good and evil. Like me, Eureka thought. “My parents named me Eureka because they consider me a priceless treasure,” she said quietly to herself. “When anyone met me, my parents wanted that person to think I have found her!* But, as with all things, there is good and evil in treasure. The same coin that a man gives to the hungry so that they can buy bread is the same coin that can pay for the bottle a man smashes over the head of — “
Feeling her insides roil, Eureka turned from the window and, throwing open the door, ran for the bathroom.
Eureka thought of a Maine Coon cat she often saw sleeping on her neighbor’s windowsill, wondering how she would have explained pee on the carpet if she had gotten to the toilet a second later.
Raising her head from between her shaking legs, putting her aching back against the toilet tank, the porcelain cool against her skin, Eureka looked at the bathroom door.
“When I walked through that door…” Eureka chuckled to herself, remembering. Instead of stepping into the shower, I stepped into the hallway. It was because I had a sudden realization: I didn’t want to hide myself anymore. I didn’t want to see my nudity as something that must be hidden. I wanted people to see me. Really see me. It’s like my body was a secret my conscience wouldn’t allow me to keep anymore. I would’ve walked out of my apartment like this. Out the door and down the sidewalk without a care in the world. But something stopped me. The knowledge that not everyone would see me. They would only see a part of me. The parts behind my hair, or the part between my legs.
Taking a deep breath, Eureka felt herself relax.
“This is how you brought me in to the world, and this is the way I want to be,” Eureka said, rehearsing how, when her mom got home from work tonight — her dad worked later hours — she would explain her desire. “At the right time, and in the right place. I know this must seem weird to you. But, I promise: I’m not on drugs, and I haven’t joined some cult or anything. I just realized, undressing in order to shower a few days ago, that I didn’t see a reason why I couldn’t be naked in more places than just my room. I know there’s the cleanliness aspect of it. You sitting in the same chair my bare butt has been in, in order to eat, must not be an appetizing notion. But I wouldn’t make it hard for you and dad: I’ll take care of everything. And I understand if it makes you or dad uncomfortable and you want me to stop. But, this is something I will, at least, do in the privacy of my room. I want to be naked. I want to feel free. I want to feel like nothing is holding me back or confining me. I want to feel like I’m how God created me to be… When I get dressed, I feel like I’m a snake and I’m putting on a skin that I have already shed — I don’t feel natural. I don’t feel like I can honestly say to myself or others ‘This is me,’ because I know that shoes, skirts and shirts aren’t me. I didn’t come into the world with them.”
“I know, mom, that you weren’t expecting this. And that this is a lot to take in. I’m just trying to explain my feelings to you, though. I don’t want this to feel like I’m rebelling against you or dad or God or anything. This is just something I feel is good for me, and can be good for others. So I want to experience it as often as I feel the desire to.”
Getting up from the toilet, wiping herself clean, washing her hands, and going from the bathroom to the kitchen, Eureka did one thing naked, alone, that she didn’t yet have the courage to do naked in the sight of others… Pour herself a bowl of cereal.
Returning to her room, not bothering to close the door again, Eureka sat on the side of her bed, put the bowl and a glass of water on the floor at her feet, and clasped her hands.
“God, thank you for my body. You created all things and said they are ‘very good.’ May the joy, freedom, and peace I feel while naked bring me closer to you, and may I never confuse what you have made for you yourself. Every part of me gives glory to you in its own way. Looking at my breasts, may I always remember their purpose: To provide food for offspring.”
Eureka smirked and closed her eyes.
“As you know, God, I don’t believe in ‘protecting’ myself during what is supposed to be the most loving act that two people can experience. I protect myself from my enemies. Not from people whom I perceive have my best interests at heart. If a person insists that I protect myself from love, than they don’t have my best interests at heart. Which would explain a lot…”
Turning her head to try and get a look at her backside: “Looking at my butt, may I always remember that… ah… ‘bathroom emergency’ I had a little bit ago. May I always remember that I have needs and limitations. May I always be humble.”
Turning her head back around, Eureka looked down at her front. “Looking at my vagina, may I always remember that life is a gift. You created life, and through all of my parts, in one way or another, I get to participate with you in the creation of that life.”
Closing her eyes again, Eureka completed her prayer: “I believe that you have given me so much to see, to be, and to do. May I see, be, and do, all for your glory, so that, through your love and guidance, I may be all that I am meant to be. All that you created me to be. Thank you.”
And picking up her bowl, Eureka enjoyed breakfast while listening to the sounds of the city drifting through her open window.
The end of Chapter 1
*Eureka: A cry of joy or satisfaction when one finds or discovers something.