How I Decided To Not Commit Suicide

Note: Language.

Earlier today, I was feeling low.

I realized I didn’t meet the standards to get into the college I’d wanted to go to and, to add insult to injury, I learned that my financial situation wouldn’t allow me to go to that college in the first place, leaving me once again stranded in Limbo for the time being.

Not the cool, do-anything-you-want Limbo from Inception (2010)…

…the nightmarish “SB-129” Limbo:

With my future looking bleak, my mind went to dark places. Thoughts of suicide popped into my head, and I just let them be — I didn’t make an effort to drive them away.

After letting such morbid thoughts have their time in the sun, I feel that I was able to think more clearly — I feel that there was a method to my madness. After my mind went through every dark scenario it could think of, the light was able to come in.

I realized that I didn’t want to die. I realized that what I really wanted was just for the pain to end. The pain of knowing that my future is looking nothing like I wanted it to look 3 years ago: before I attended a 4-year college for 1 year and spent the next 2 on the couch.

A number of factors snapped me out of my suicidal funk:

I wouldn’t go through with it. There’s a difference between what a person can do and what a person will do.

It would be selfish. I imagined how my family would react, and I realized that making the choice to take my own life is a selfish one. Why? Because I would be putting people I love through terrible pain for the sake of trying to escape my own pain.

I realized I didn’t actually want to die. To reiterate: After letting dark scenarios run through my mind, I realized that I didn’t want to die — I just wanted my pain to end.

My beliefs. Suicide is considered a sin by the Catholic Church. I didn’t want to risk ending up in Hell.*

Beauty. If anime has taught me one thing, it’s to appreciate the beauty of this world that God has made.

When we create, we are, in our own little ways, doing what God does. J.R.R.Tolkien, the author of The Lord of the Rings, called this “sub-creation”: Creating secondary worlds inside of God’s primary world.

Image result for sword art online ending

And: It might be embarrassing and weird, but it’s true:

I thought of that shot of Yolko’s butt in the Sword Art Online episode “Murder in the Safe Zone,” and that was another reminder of beauty, too.

Sword10

I wasn’t glad I thought of that shot because of anything having to do with sex. (Lust is a sin that I try and avoid like the plague.) I was glad I thought of that shot because, like the world that God has created…

Image result for the milky way

…I see it as another example of beauty that I realized I didn’t want to see the end of.

What I’m trying to say is: There is so much beauty in the world, and I didn’t want to see the end of it by taking my life.

Suicide is not how I’m dying. Everyone dies eventually. And earlier today I decided that since I must die, I’m going to die in such a way that will be worthy of the good life I (hope to) have lived. I don’t know how or when I’m going to die, but I hope it’s in a way that makes God go “And that’s why I made Tim! Fuck yes!”

In conclusion:

I’m doing better now.

Praying, giving myself time to think more about my situation, spending time with my parents and kids from my local Catholic school’s youth group, video games, and music, did wonders for me.

Suicide is a complex and hard subject to talk about.

If anything I said in this post offended or upset you for any reason, let me know, and I apologize, because it wasn’t my intent to do that.

*On a related note: The only sin that God won’t forgive is the sin you don’t ask forgiveness for.
If someone you know has committed suicide, pray for the salvation of that person’s soul, and your prayers will not be in vain.

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36 thoughts on “How I Decided To Not Commit Suicide

  1. Not liking this because you were completing suicide. Liking this because you’re here to write about it. I just think it’s important to keep life in perspective. Yes, some things don’t go as planned, I got 75% on my first psychology test yesterday. But that was my first test. I have two more to go and now I know what the teacher’s expectations are like and how to beat study. This isn’t the end of my grade, it’s a growth opportunity. Recognizing that no one thing really can truly determine the outcome of your life is a very powerful thing to do. At least it was for me because it helped me quit self-harming.

    1. Thank you for commenting.

      You’re right: Recognizing that no one thing really can truly determine the outcome of your life is a very powerful thing to do.

      That’s been a hard thing for me to recognize. The reason why is because I look at all my family and friends have accomplished or are accomplishing, and I think back to the one thing in my life — my decision to drop out of college and come home in order to sort myself out — that (seemingly) put an end to me being where they are: Graduated from college with high-paying careers.

      I don’t condone my dark thoughts. But I am glad I thought them, for one reason: I was able to write about them and now they are out of my head, able to be seen by the whole world thanks to this blog. I feel, by writing, that I have purged myself of my inner demons — I have dragged them out of the darkness and into the light.

      1. Being deliberate with yourself and expressing your inner demons is very important. Often times I’ve found it’s the most important step to recovery.

  2. I am so happy for you, that you chose to stay. I know it is so hard.

    Sometimes you really feel like there’s a force choking you from inside. And you feel so…so helpless. And it is worse when you are an introvert like me. Honestly, I have absolutely zero friends. I just have acquaintances. And it is not because I’m not friendly enough but, because I choose being a loner even after the hardships that I face this way.

    But what I’ve learnt after these months of tension and dullness is that, those pills by your bed side will only cause the pain to spread to others. And nobody wants to be so selfish.

    You know, in Greek mythology, the word ‘suicide’ was never added to the vocabulary of people. Phrases like “self-murder”, “self-killing”, and “self-slaughter” were used in place of suicide. Because these words showed how close suicide was to murder.
    Like what you said, there are things we ‘could’ do and things we ‘will’ do. I believe that there are things we ‘push out of our minds’ and there are things that we  ‘neither push nor react to’.  And these things that somehow levitate in our minds are the ones that make us humans.

    I do not know if you believe in modern-day pen friends or not but, I’d love to be yours. Please drop by my email id sometime- mysteriousscribbler.hiraeth@gmail.com . I love talking to you. I hope you are doing fine now. : )

    Regards.

    1. Thank you so much, Mysterious Scribbler.

      I’m glad to know that I’m not alone in my struggle. I’m glad to know that people know what I’m going through.

      I didn’t know that the ancient Greeks had no word for suicide. Thank you for telling me.

      I’m doing fine now. 🙂 There are times where, for one reason or another, I have dark, morbid thoughts. But, I think I have those thoughts under control: though I still struggle with depression because of the current state of my life or the state of the world, it’s not the struggle that it used to be.

      I would be happy to be your pen friend. Thank you so much for asking me. I’ll send you an email soon.

      One of the reasons I started blogging is because I wanted to form friendships with people. I’m glad that’s happening between you and me. And I’m glad you love talking to me. I love talking to you too.

      I won’t always say the right thing — there will be times where something I say will make you go “What?” or “I disagree.” — but I’m always willing to talk about whatever I say and why I say it.

      God bless you.

      ~21st Century Catholic

  3. I totally understand this post. Ever since I was married at 18 I’ve been of the same mindset. I thought that when I became Christian six or so years ago that would change, but honestly I still run through the same reasons “not to” that you listed. My husband gets so frustrated when I tell him about my episodes. Mostly, it is still about guilt over what happened to my kids and both of them try to make me suffer for what happened. I become overwhelmed. I really understand you, but our reasons not to go through with it really outweigh our heavy load. I really appreciate you. Reach out anytime.

    1. Thank you so much. Thank you for understanding, and thank you for sharing your own struggle.

      If there’s anything I can do for you, just let me know. I’m available anytime. And I will pray for you.

      I haven’t had suicidal thoughts since I wrote this post. But I do still struggle with depression. And I have a bad habit of comparing my life to others — looking at a person and thinking “Why can’t I be where they are, or be doing what they’re doing?”

      You have changed my life for the better.

      Your posts about the exploitation of young girls in Japan, and the impact of anime culture on Japan, are eye-opening. Before I found your blog, I had never thought about subjects like that. And it means so much to know that I’m not alone in my struggle — to know that there are people who understand what I’m going through, and who are willing to do what they can to help.

      1. Well Mr. that’s very kind of you to say. Life is a pretty tough thing isn’t it? Everyday is a struggle of some kind and we tend to be our own worst enemies. It is easy to say “Don’t compare yourself…” but it is what we do isn’t it? In my case I compare myself to good mothers and look at my failures. I feel horrible but I can’t change a damn thing about the past. I can only move forward. You can only move forward. There’s a lot outside of our control, but God is with us. That is the one thing we can count on. Chin up.

      2. Indeed: Life is a tough thing.

        But, you’re right:

        There’s a lot outside of our control, but God is with us. So the best thing we can do is chin up, count on our belief that God has got our back, and do what we can to make our future better than our past.

  4. I regret that you found yourself in such a place. I am glad that you chose not to. As for the rest, I am at a loss. I could say many things, but I’m not sure what would help. I think the question that is at the heart of the matter is what do you hope for. For my part, I have often returned to a stance of “only through effort can I hope to move forward”. I hope you find what you are looking for.

    1. Thank you for your kind words.

      I’m feeling better now.

      Today in particular has been a good day. Today, I feel like I’m finally on the path to becoming the person I want to be.

      1. In many ways it’s a long road. I find a big part of what helps is finding something I can work on that has incremental signs of progress. Also, while not always ideal ,meetup can be a good way to expand the social circle, and hopefully find people to help you build a stronger community.

      2. I agree. Meeting new people and working on projects has helped renew my sense of purpose.

        I’m currently writing a short story, and am constantly interacting with fellow bloggers.

      3. Sounds like a solid path to give yourself a greater sense of purpose. I would also recommend developing a strong library of what you find comforting, whether in written stories, music, or videos. I personally find the Incredibles quite encouraging.

      4. The Incredibles is one of my favorite movies. My top 5 favorite Pixar movies are:

        1. Up
        2. WALL-E
        3. Monsters University
        4. The Incredibles
        5. Inside Out

        Thank you for your good advice.

        I have libraries of books, movies, YouTube videos, and music, and they always cheer me up when I’m feeling down.

        On movie in particular that has helped me is Whisper of the Heart, from Studio Ghibli.

        It’s about a girl who, inspired by a boy she meets, decides to become a writer, and who realizes that, for better and for worse, being a writer is not the experience she thought it would be.

      5. Ghibli is a grand thing, and Whisper of the Heart speaks to the artist, though I feel nothing compares with Princess Mononoke. Though I do agree that writing, as with many things, requires a certain dedication that borders on madness, if not crossing over into it.

      6. I haven’t seen Princess Mononoke yet. But I want to.

        The Ghibli movies I’ve seen are:

        1. Whisper of the Heart
        2. The Secret World of Arrietty
        3. Kiki’s Delivery Service
        4. Spirited Away
        5. Grave of the Fireflies
        6. My Neighbor Totoro

      7. PM is very balanced. It’s full of wrath and anger, but also a balanced motivation. Numerous characters are both villain and saint, depending on who you ask within the cast. For that, more than anything else, it is my favorite film.

  5. I’m sorry. I’ve been where you are and understand the agony of it (at least my own version of it).

    Just DON’T. I spent years not understanding how there could be any point, unable to comprehend how anything would ever seem better. But all these things are temporary, even if they last a long time and are incredibly painful…. they will change.

    The pain it would cause those you left behind would be permanent. You matter more than you realize.

    I’m glad you feel better now, but there will obviously be up’s and down’s. I’m glad your faith is helping you too, but even as an atheist, I believe that life is at least as beautiful as it is ugly even if you are having a hard time seeing the beauty right now.

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