Just because I believe in a god doesn’t mean I’m perfect. I wish more non-religious people understood that about religious people: We’re fallible just like everyone else. Maybe they already understand that. I don’t know.
I get angry, I get depressed, there are people I want to punch in the face, I would be lying if I said there hadn’t been times where I, briefly, thought of ending my life.
My belief in a god is a source of strength and hope for me, but there are days when God is far away. And today is one of those days. I know there’s the old saying “The times that God feels far away are when He wants us to come to Him,” but I feel an absence of God. I feel like He never even existed. And how can I try and get closer to a being that doesn’t exist?
I hate the news. Why? Because it makes me feel powerless. There is so much evil in the world, and I can’t fight it. There are so many people who need help, and I can’t help them. It’s days like today that I want to smash my TV just so I won’t be tempted to watch the news, and gouge out my eyes for looking at what was “trending” on Facebook. You know what happened today.
That was the cherry on top of the sundae of fucking bullshit that I got served the moment I woke up.
It’s my fault that my day started off the way it did. Before I was fully awake, I had fallen back into my old habit of giving a fuck about Movieguide. This caused me to have the most one-sided conversation with a fellow believer in Jesus that I have ever had. Trying to talk to this guy is like trying to squeeze water out of a rock. I should’ve remembered that.
“And they will know we are Christians by our love.” (John 13:35)
I am reminded of this scene in Children of Men (2006):
“What keeps you going?”
“You know what it is, Theo? I just don’t think about it.”
I don’t want to die, but I can’t stand being alive. Not today.