How I Lost My Faith, And How I Found It Again

I was raised a Catholic.

Even though I’m an adult, I still go to church and do whatever else it is that Catholics do.

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But, recently, there had been something that caused me to lose my faith:

Reading the Blessed Virgin Mary’s warnings to mankind.

Which is ironic: The warnings aren’t supposed to make me feel like running from God.

The warnings are messages, that mystics have received, where Mary basically says “Unless humanity gets its act together, God is going to kill billions of people.”

Yes: God, the being who is supposedly love personified, is going to smite humanity.

I just can’t understand that.

I don’t see how I can call a being “Lord” who will kill billions if He doesn’t get His way.

If a human being did that, they’d be called a psychopath.

But because God is, well, God, it’s different. Apparently. Ugh.

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To the Blessed Virgin Mary:

If you want me to continue to believe in your son, Jesus;
If you want me to continue to follow God’s commandments;
If you want me to have any respect for you at all;

Then I hope you never appear to me.

You have caused me to doubt God’s love. You have driven me away from, not closer to, God.

It’s easy to sit on your Heavenly thrown and judge humanity. You never sinned. You never had to fear that you might spend eternity in Hell. You are perfect.

So pardon me if I don’t like what you have to say: Because it comes across like you’re rubbing your perfection in my face.

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All of the thoughts I wrote above, that I had days ago, I still think to some extent.

There is a bright spot to all this, though.

Recently I watched the movie Prometheus (2012).

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“It must feel like your God abandoned you.”

At one point in the movie, Elizabeth (the protagonist) realizes that our creators — a race of aliens she calls “The Engineers” — want to kill us.

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At the end of the movie, as Elizabeth flies off with the android, David, in order to look for the reason(s) our creators would want us dead, I thought of Elizabeth’s and David’s words from earlier:

Elizabeth: “Where is my cross?”

David: “After everything that’s happened, you still believe?”

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My point is:

If Elizabeth can still believe after her mother and father died…

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…after her boyfriend died…

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…after she went through this

…after all her co-workers died…

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…and after her creator tried to kill her…

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…than I can still believe, too.

“There is only death here now, and I’m leaving it behind. It is New Year’s Day, the year of our Lord, 2094. My name is Elizabeth Shaw… And I am still searching.”

Like Elizabeth, I am searching for the answer to the question “Why does my creator want their creation killed?”

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2 thoughts on “How I Lost My Faith, And How I Found It Again

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